alliecat8 | (no subject)

I'm not sure if re-posting this is a brave thing for me to do, or an inappropriate one. I made a post a couple of days ago about a lot of personal stuff. I did it over a long U.S. holiday weekend because I figured lot of you would be off work, maybe out-of-town or out living your real lives and stuff. I was chicken about posting when there'd be a lot of y'all out there. :/ I was afraid it'd scare you away. I was happily surprised. So far, no one has defriended me. I've found out that I was bonkers to be scared to tell you, because the ones who answered were loving, wise, and kind - exactly what I need for a support system. I really do love you guys, you know? My next plan after posting this today when more of you might be around, is to go to your journals and find out what is going on with you, because a support system within friendships is a two-way street, and I love you guys...did I say that already? Anyhow, the post is HERE:

DEEP BREATH.

It's 5:30 on Sunday morning and I've just wasted 2 hours trying to make youTube work and surfing and stuff. OH, wait, I forgot to take my med, brb....

Okay. Wow, I don't know if I should write this or not, so now it's 3:00 p.m.. But I think you guys need to know, and I've grown up a little, I think, and learned to "own" ALL of me, not just the parts I like.

So, without further ado, TMI about my nervous breakdown and the rest of my brain junk:

Spencer's death was the last straw, I think. I'm still trying to accept that but my heart won't let me. Lots of things had piled up before that - my chronic "pseudomonia" (I think I'm going to get accepted to a teaching hospital - like Grey's or House, omg! - in Jackson so they will check out everything, rather than the tunnel-vision approach that the specialists here use), Thing 2's senior year in high school (it's going to be over after this year and my heart doesn't want to accept that, either!), the hard work of trying a reconciliation w/hubby, his job changing hands which cut our income a LOT (those of you who are friended w/my

nailsinthenight journal will be "treated" to an unPC political rant there in the near future) etc., etc., etc. Anyway, I'd taken Thing 2 for her first OB/GYN appt. (she's in love, so I figured it was time, and I let the dr. - who is excellent - handle the b.c. pill issue, which we now have just in case...) and while she was there I went across the lobby to handle some insurance stuff, and they told me bad news about certain deductibles not being covered, and in light of hubby's job cutback we are churchmouse poor; I won't even use lights or heat if I don't have to. And, right there at the window, I threw all my papers at the little 2nd Lt. (we use the military clinic) and had a complete nervous breakdown. I won't go into details, but Thing 2 had to drive me home and she called her daddy to see what to do with me and he told her where the Valium was and to put me to bed til he got home. Well, the next thing I remember is being in an ambulance on my way to Hattiesburg. Then I slept til we got to the "facility."

I'm not gonna call it a psych hospital (tho it is) or a nuthouse or anything like that, because it's really a place for people with really good insurance to go when they, like me, break. That's how I put it when I started to come out of it - "my brain broke on Monday." That was two weeks ago. The week before that was Spencer's funeral and the week before that was the hellish week when he was trying to live and we were trying to MAKE him live by loving our hearts out until they broke on the night he died, as we all sat at a home football game. I mean, the sight of the cheerleaders, always so peppy and bouncy and cute, falling apart, their faces wet; his prom date crumbling into tears...yeah, life broke my brain for a little while. I thought you should know that's why I haven't been around.

At the facility (btw, it's the same one Tiger Woods was in, and it's POSH...I kinda didn't want to get cured and released!) my psychiatrist told me I'm a classic case of bipolar-ism. So now we know why sometimes I'm on LJ posting like a Spam Queen and other times I can't get out of bed. It's why I clean my house like mad and pull all the weeds in the garden and also do bad things, like SHOP. Like, I'm Coldwater Creek's BFF. Then it cycles to the other side and I can't see the point in doing anything, so I don't. That's bipolar, totally, sigh. I've known it in the back of my mind for a long time, and I even said it on LJ once, but it was so long ago most of you weren't here yet. I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed. (Well, maybe a little.) But I've had some excellent therapy, my meds are adjusted, and maybe I'll be okay. We'll see.

So, that's why I haven't fulfilled my promise yet to catch up with everybody. Also, since this is Thing 2's senior year, I've decided it's my year to mend bridges with people I've had grudges or misunderstandings with. I meant for that to be a RL project, but I'm going to extend it to LJ, too. If any of you feel we need to "mend a bridge," tell me, by PM or email - missali@cableone.net - or right here. I feel some vibes from a couple of you that I need to check out and see if any amends need to be made. And if we're friended but don't talk, let's change that, ok? Because I can find something to love in everybody (really! just ask the ones who RL-know me, lol!) and I want us to know each other. Even if I am a flake and a lunatic. ;D

ETA: If you've already answered, there's no need to read this or answer again, unless you just want to...you've already been TOO GOOD to me! ♥

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*hugs*

I'm so glad to hear that you're doing better! It's awful how things can pile up all at once sometimes. I spent the better part of the last year having anxiety attacks at the drop of a hat, and I know there's a great relief in getting help. Anyway, I'm sending lots of positive vibes your way. <3

Edited 2010-10-12 17:29 (UTC)

Awwwwwwww, just looking at that icon makes me feel better. Who'd ever have thought I'd have a het OTP after being a J/S girl for so long? But all we need is love...

Hmmmm...do you think Penny was thinking of that song when she wrote to Desmond that all we need is one person who truly loves us? I've had John Lennon on my mind, since Saturday was his 70th birthday and I went to a wedding where a little orchestra played soft, beautiful versions of his songs, even as the bride went down the aisle.

/rambling. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with anxiety attacks, too. I wonder if sometimes our brains just have little tantrums without the rest of our bodies knowing wtf is going on. That's what it seems like! And positive vibes (as in, a good support system) were "prescribed," so you are just what the doctor ordered!

Oh, hon. *HUGS* I am sending lots of good thoughts your way. I ♥ you.

[Sorry I don't have anything else to offer.]

WHAT? You think you need to offer MORE? Silly girl. *loves you like whoa*

I don't have anything else to offer except to hug the shit out of you, so: *hugs the shit out of you*

You know I love it when you do that. *hugs the shit back*

Here's to bravery.

:)

Raises glass to guts and to YOU!

Edited 2010-10-18 17:38 (UTC)

I think things are always scarier/more intimidating in our own heads than they are IRL, or to other people. Look! We're not afraid of you! :D

MORE HUGS.

Whooooooo! Wait, now you've read my rant...and my irrational reply to your rational comment. Wanna change your mind about that "scary" thing? ;)

♥ x infinity

Your reply isn't irrational! It is, however, based in a bit of fear, and lack of knowledge. And good lord, it's almost a fulltime job these days to GET that knowledge. I have nothing else to do these days, so I do it. That might change if the doc manages to FIX ME! But then again, I've always been a political wonk ;)

It's based in a LOT of fear and I have to blame somebody. And yes, I'll admit to a shameful lack of knowledge. But as a military wife of 22 years, I'm in the habit of blaming the highest-ranking officer for screw-ups, which in this case would be Obama. However, the last thing I want to get into is political wank, because like you said, I hardly know what I'm talking about. You're educating me, and I thank you for that! :)

And this is the problem w/ me answering when I'm under meds....

I SOOOOOOOOO did not mean that you are ignorant in ANY pejorative way!! Just more that it can be an almost fulltime job to keep up w/ all the issues these days and figure out who all the players are, and how they're keeping the game.

And it's been what I've been doing lately, since all I can do is sit and read!

The impetus to blame someone is strong in us all. We all want a REASON why everything is going on. And the news programs, and the media tend to look for the most popular meme, and the "Inside the Beltway common wisdom" rather than work a little harder to explain the subtleties of what's going on. Can you tell I'm a little annoyed at the media these days? I feel like they're not doing their job.