Bad stuff and giggles

[alliecat8]

I'm having sad thoughts, and wearing my heart on my sleeve again. See, I just don't *do* defriending. I've only defriended one person, ever, and that was in the heat of the moment when she was bashing Sawyer. This time it's definitely NOT in the heat of the moment; the moment passed several years ago. I know that she (the girl I'm considering defriending) won't read this because she has me filtered off her friends list. In other words, we're still technically friends and I never filtered her, so I read and sometimes reply to her entries, but mine don't appear on her default view. Am I making sense?

Anyway, y'all know that every one of you has a special place in my heart. I cherish each and every one because, as the song from Wicked says, "Whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend." Knowing you has changed me, sometimes in subtle ways and other times in great big huge ways. Now, I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings here, but I have to say that I feel just the tiniest bit different about those of you I've met in person, and I've been SO lucky to be able to attend all three GFGs (Smoky Mountains, Vegas, and the Elf Meet in Edinburgh, Scotland), as well as meeting several of you on my trip to California, so I feel blessed to be able to put faces and extended personalities to so many of you. In almost every case I've come away from these encounters with stronger friendships. But in one case I had a very brief spat with someone, and she has never forgiven me for it.

Before you say it, yes, I have asked for her forgiveness, both in person soon after it happened, and more recently in email. She said she's "fine the way she is" and still won't talk to me. And yet technically we're still friends because we remain on each other's flists.

The sad, ironic thing is that when she friended me, she told me that she had been on the recieving end of someone turning away from her, cold-heartedly and unforgivingly, and I feel so badly for her that she had to go through that. And yet for a long time now she's been doing the same thing to me. When we first "met" - when she friended me years and years ago - we found that we had an amazing amount of things in common. Soon she was asking me to beta her fics, and I did, even though she wrote a pairing that was distasteful to me. When a tragedy happened in her life, she came to me and one other girl only, saying that we were the ones she felt closest to, and I hope that lending her my shoulder and my love helped her get through that awful time.

Then we met, we had a disagreement about how things should be done and I had a meltdown (which I've told her was brought on by stress, since I was the one responsible for the first GFG and even though it was wonderful, I felt like it was on my shoulders for everyone to have a good time). I've apologized both in person and in writing. Still she wants nothing to do with me.

It really hurts me when I see her commenting warmly in the journals of others who were at that GFG, since she never speaks to me unless I comment in her journal, and it's very obvious to me that she's filtered my posts out of hers. My dilemma is: would it hurt less if I defriended her? Or would it be best just to let things stay as they are and not rock the boat? I'm not the kind of person who can just "get over" something; I always need closure. I'd like to restore our friendship but since that seems to be impossible, I need to find some sort of solution that doesn't break my heart.

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In other news, it's NOT news to any of you that I'm a huge Alice in Wonderland fan, right? I loved the children's book, I adored the Disney movie, and I was impressed and thoughtful after seeing the Tim Burton movie (I'll probably write more about that later). But I was blown away by Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter.

So guess what my hubby gave me? This, which I wear as a sleep shirt. You Vegas GFG girls know how I LURVE my sleep shirts! I feel bereft on the nights when I can't wear it because it's in the wash (it's a cat-hair magnet, unfortunately...I suppose because he had such good rapport with the Cheshire Cat?) and I have to wear one of my other formerly-beloved shirts, like the one that says "I tried being normal. It sucked." and the one I shocked my mother with: "I Got Bourbon-Faced on Shit Street," lol. Anyhow, my shirt makes me laugh and hopefully it'll make you smile, too, to lighten the mood from the heavy stuff above.

I ♥ you guys!!!

Comments

[mysticxf.livejournal.com]

If she's not interested in working things out, or speaking to you, then your relationship has already reached it's end and it would be most honest to defriend her. There's no sense in keeping someone around who isn't interested in you, that's not "friendship", and you don't deserve to be treated that way. :(

*hugs*

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

First of all, I've missed your hugs. Thank you for that. *squeezes you tight*

Second, I like the way you put it, that defriending her is the most *honest* thing to do. That makes it sound less like a defeat or a failure, so thank you for that as well.

♥

[crowgirl13.livejournal.com]

I understand wanting to have closure with someone, but I've learned that you don't always *get* closure. You do what you can and when it's time to let go, you let go. Which doesn't lessen the sadness that accompanies endings. But hanging on to something that's over only leads to further heartache.

Good luck, hon.
*hugs*

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

I've learned that you don't always *get* closure

You know that part of the Serenity Prayer that goes "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"? I'm SOOOOOOO not good at that part! But you're so right, sometimes tenacity is NOT a good thing, sometimes it's a futile thing that just prolongs the sadness, and you're wise to say so. Thank you...and thank you also for being such a good friend. ♥

[crowgirl13.livejournal.com]

Ah, but that's the point of the Serenity Prayer - you're asking for help with those things you don't have, but need. :)

sometimes it's a futile thing that just prolongs the sadness, and you're wise to say so.

It ain't wisdom, just experience. Experience I've gained in spades over the last few years. There's no reason to keep winding yourself in sadness, hon.

No thanks needed. ♥

[hkath.livejournal.com]

Based on my own experience of feeling like crap because someone had me filtered off their default view but was passive-aggressively leaving me on their flist as a cursory "friend" with no interaction, I say defriend the fucker.

This girl still has me listed as a friend, but ever since I defriended her on here and on Twitter, I personally feel like such a weight has been lifted. No one should have to live with people holding that kind of power over them.

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

Wow, it's good to talk to someone who's been through the same thing, though I'm so sorry it happened to you, too. It felt better to just cut all ties, huh? I guess it's like taking off a band-aid...it hurts less to just rip it off and get it done with than to do it slowly and prolong the pain. Thank you for the advice, and sweetie, you were one of my very first friends...thank you for being such a loyal one. *SMOOCH!!!*

[eponine119.livejournal.com]

People are giving you good advice.

Love the shirt. Do you still have your Angel Santa pants? for some reason those go with sleepshirt in my mind...

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

Hee, now you know, Megan, that I NEVER wear pants with my sleepshirts. ;D (Shhhhhh...remember it's a secret just between us, lol.)

That icon rocks, but I can't help but feel sorry for the poor kitty. What would SK think if you dolled her up like that?!

[zelda-zee.livejournal.com]

It's time to cut that string. What's the point of hanging on, for either of you? You have all the closure on this one that you're going to get and it's best to just accept that.

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

That's not the first time you've said that to me, and I probably should've taken your advice before now. But I have a feeling you understand where I'm coming from...it says right there in your user info (truthfully) that you are a loyal friend. I'm awfully glad that you are! 'Cause friendships aren't always kittens and sunshine, are they; they need to be able to withstand the occasional claw or thundercloud, y'know? Defriending someone (especially someone I know; someone to whom I extended my heart and my hospitality) feels like a failure. And yet I know you're right, I've gotten all the closure I'm ever going to get on this one, sigh. I just have to tell myself that I wasn't an ogre then and I'm not being one now, even though it feels that way. Thanks for listening and for weighing in on this. You know I'll ♥ you forever!

[haldoor.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with the others. You are not going to change her mind now; you did what you could and she refused to accept the olive branch. Defriend her and don't look back. She appears not to be. You have too many other good friends to worry about people that don't want to be one.

The sleep shirt is awesome! ;-)

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right. And I'm SO grateful to count YOU as one of my good friends! ♥!

[haldoor.livejournal.com]

*hugs* and ♥ back to you!

[siluria]

The shirt is awesome!!!

I can't really help with the defriending dilemma. I need to do a flist cut myself, but I'm struggling. I have people on my flist who never comment on my journal, there are plenty I just don't have anything in common with anymore, and some I've met in person but don't feel a connection there at all right now. I shouldn't feel like I'm staying friends with people because I don't want to hurt their feelings, when they never try to connect with me anyway. Maybe I just need to make a post and do it.

Needless to say, you're not in any of those categories!!!! xxxxxxxx

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

You are so tenderhearted; I can see how hard it would be for you to do a flist cut. It's the same reason why I've never defriended anyone (except that one person who committed blasphemy, lol). Maybe if you made a post saying basically what you said to me, that you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and you're only cutting the ones you don't seem to have anything in common with anymore. If it were me I'd probably add, "If you think I've made a mistake or you want to stay friends anyway, then please let me know and I'll add you back." That usually takes the sting out of flist cuts (at least it has for me the times I've been on the receiving end of one).

Needless to say, you're not in any of those categories!!!!

*MUAH!* Oh, and ♥ ♥ ♥!

[siluria]

I keep putting it off, but if you think it takes the sting out to be honest like that then I might see if I can pluck up the courage xxx

[tellshannon815.livejournal.com]

From the sound of things, defriending does sound like the best option. You tried to resolve things, this person didn't want to know, it's probably just going to make you feel worse trying to continue the friendship with someone who's not reciprocating.

Take it from someone who knows, although in my case it was a RL friends situation rather than LJ - people I'd thought of as close friends at university started freezing me out after I committed the heinous crime of going out for an evening with friends from my hall of residence at university instead of with them (after they had claimed to be busy). In the end I got fed up of trying to make up with them and getting the brush off - there was a lot more to it than that but in the end I cut that group off totally (by that time I'd realised I was happier with the crowd from my hall anyway).

Anyway, that was kind of a pointless story, but don't feel bad about defriending this person.

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

In the end I got fed up of trying to make up with them and getting the brush off

Thank you for sharing your story, and that ^^^ sounds exactly like what I've been dealing with. The really hard part is that she'll remain a part of my group of friends, so there's no way to cut all ties. I'll still see her around everywhere, and that always reminds me of how *she* rushed *me* in trying to be friends, then she totally snubbed me over something relatively trivial, just like what happened in your story. So I know you can empathize, even though I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Anyway, thank you again for sharing! You're a wonderful friend and I'm lucky to have you. ♥!