Lost fic: Maelstrom

[alliecat8]

Title: Maelstrom
Fandom: Lost
Characters: Sawyer/Juliet
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 540
Spoilers: Through the S5 finale "The Incident"
Disclaimer: Only mine in my dreams

WARNING: This is a dark, awful fic. It shouldn't be allowed to exist, but I was advised to "get it out of my head" so I did. Read at your own risk, and don't blame me. Feel free to lynch my muse, though.

Written for thequillstation's Great Minds Think Alike? challenge, inspired by Bob Dylan's song, "Shelter From the Storm."




I woke up, hurt and lost in the dark. It all came back too fast, Jack and the bomb and that crazy nightmare magnetic storm. Losin’ her. Then there’d been a flash and now I was awake and broken, all alone.

Where was I? Obviously not on the plane, or landin’ safe at LAX. Not dead, no, I just wished I was dead, and God don’t care about my wishes. Was I still on the island? Maybe in a cave somewhere, or maybe underground? I thought about her again and knew she wasn’t here. Nobody was here. Where did they all go?

After a while I figured out that I was in an empty place, no light or sound, no walls or doors, nothin’ but myself and all the time in the world to think. My body was black and blue, cut and bleeding and I thought about Jack, who I beat half to death – and then I turned around and rushed in to save that son of a bitch, and it got her killed. I don’t remember much after that but I remember him draggin’ me away, there in the storm before the blinding light. Why did he have to save me? Why didn’t he just let me go?

I sat there in the dark and I knew I’d been here before. Once upon a time I’d loved somebody who was bright and beautiful, who nursed me when I was hurt, and when everything went wrong and my father stormed into our house she told me she’d keep me safe, told me it’d be okay. She lied. She lied and she left me there in the dark under the bed, and nothin’ was okay again for a long, long time.

Yeah, everything comes back around. I loved Juliet more than I’ve ever loved anybody, more than she ever knew. I needed her, she was my light, my comfort from the storm, but she left me just like my mama did. All of her light and her love, gone. I didn’t hate her for it, though, how could I blame her? It wasn’t her fault. I sat in the dark and it was all I could think about, how it wasn’t either of their faults. And just like before, when I was hidin’ under that bed and hurtin’ inside like a motherfucker and she wasn’t there anymore to take away the pain, I found something else to make it go away. I found rage, rage blacker than the dark, and that’s what kept me alive.

It’s what will keep me alive now, too. Somehow I’ll get out of this place. I know I will, because there’s nothin’ here, no food or water and without them I’ll die, and God won’t let me die. He’s not that merciful. So I know I’ll find my way out, and then I’ll do what I have to do. I’ll find him. Wherever I am, and wherever he is, I’ll find him. I’ll cross oceans or deserts. I’ll cross the whole world. I’ll even cross time if I have to, and I’ll hunt him down and I'll kill him. I’ll make Jack pay for what he did. It’s the only comfort I’ll ever have again.

Comments

[uberaeryn.livejournal.com]

She lied and she left me there in the dark under the bed, and nothin’ was okay again for a long, long time.

GAH!

*weeps*

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

I know, right? WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

THIS from a Jack/Sawyer lover, too. *gulp* I'm sorry!

*clings*

[eponine119.livejournal.com]

oh, my poor bunny. *hugs him* but god, you're right, Sawyer ain't ever gonna die cause that's what he wanted for so long.

although the ending...>:( no killing Jack! Do you think he really blames him? *cries* did I ever tell you my realization that since Juliet wanted to undo it all and so did Jack and Sawyer loved Juliet, ergo...Sawyer loves Jack? if not, this is probably not an appropriate place.

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

Sawyer's not gonna die because there's something better planned for him. *nods and glares sternly at writers*

Do you think he really blames him?

Yes, tragically, I *do* think Sawyer blames Jack. He blamed him already, even before Juliet died, so how much MORE is he gonna blame him now? But they can get through it, I know they can, and hopefully emerge stronger people. And maybe even stronger friends.

Maybe this'll be the prologue to a longer fic, what do you think?

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

Okay, I was thinking about this more last night, and I think I'll muse about it here because it's just us, heh (if anybody's reading I *know* they hate it, I just wish they'd curse at it like it deserves!). I was thinking about Sawyer and how his default setting when he thinks someone has ruined his life is to kill them, and he showed that when he tried to beat Jack to a pulp. But then we saw how he's grown when he ran in to help save Jack, and good for him! But if he (they) hadn't, Juliet might not've died, so he might blame Jack all the more. Then if you stripped away everything he's had during his growth period -- the island, his friends -- and leave him with nothing but to dwell on what happened, I think there's a great chance he'd revert to that boy under the bed, the boy who survived all those years on his determination to kill the Real Mr. Sawyer.

I was thinking about Jack, too. About how, in the finale, they showed him in the operating room and then afterward, instead of being grateful to Christian for teaching him the "count to 5" trick, for giving him a valuable coping mechanism, he whined at him for putting him "in a time out." Wanting to erase the island is just another example of that -- of wanting to reject everything that the island and the people on it have taught him about himself. He wants to go back to being the man he was the day he got on the plane, and that man was, imho, just as emotionally stunted as Sawyer.

I can see a fic -- maybe even a whole book -- where Sawyer sets out on his vendetta and Jack is running from him and they're learning (or re-learning) things about themselves along the way. I'm even thinking it could be my NaNo project. Thoughts?

[eponine119.livejournal.com]

I think that would be an amazing project. The run-and-chase bit as well as the possibility of travel is what draws me to it I think but the whole thing sounds astounding.

I tend to think that Jack was fine when the plane crashed and has become less good since then. but I think I'm wrong --they just took more time to show us how troubled he was.

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

The idea's got its claws in me and won't let go. I've been jotting down ideas and parts of scenes all day, even a title (The Hand of Man) and, oddly enough, I can tell already that it's going to be influenced by U2's "Exit" just like Deeper was, but in a much darker way. I keep telling myself that if it's for NaNo I can't work on it til November, but my self won't listen.

And yeah, Jack was troubled when he got on the plane. He just covered it up a lot longer and better than Sawyer did. This time around I'm gonna focus on Jack's dark side as much as Sawyer's. Should be interesting (for me, anyhow).

[jaydblu.livejournal.com]

Okay, this is just...tragic. *sighs*
And I mean that in a 'this is well written but just sad' kind of way. Poor Sawyer.
*off to pet my puppies or something cheery now*

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

I know, I'm sorry. :( Thank you for being a loyal friend and reading anyway. Would hugs make you feel better?

*sends hugs and cookies*

[siluria]

Okay, maybe you are evil!!! ;) It's dark, but I can understand the thoughts and feelings behind it. I think you did a great job with it though, so no apologies!!!

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

That icon fits Sawyer's mood perfectly. I think he's a human storm, and I'm worried about Jack. I feel like I betrayed my OTP with this! Thank you for saying there's no apology necessary, though. *HUGS*, and thank you!!! ♥

[siluria]

You wrote it and you're worried for Jack? :) I wish the muses would let us in on their plans sometimes, it's not good when something unexpected happens and surprised us!

[jazzpno.livejournal.com]

Dark? yes, but most assuredly NOT awful.

It could be canon, but it's too good (wink!)

I do fear that Sawyer is going back to a darker place, only much darker, now, because he had grown, and had known love and had learned to give love in return before it was snatched away...again.

Your idea for a series is so good...I'm glad that it won't let you go.

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you. Your two comments today made me feel so good about what I write -- you made my day! :)

I agree that there's the potential for Sawyer to go to a really, really dark place after finding love again and starting to believe and to heal, and then having it violently ripped away, again. It's almost too sad to think about; that's why this fic was so hard to write.

Thank you for saying that about the series. I have a really good feel now for where it could go, and I can tell it's one of those ideas that won't let go of me until I write it, so once again, thank you for the encouragement. ♥

[elliotsmelliot.livejournal.com]

This was dark; you weren't kidding. But how could this situation be anything but? Sawyer is used to picking living targets to direct his rage toward the dead. And really, I love that Jack tried to do something but it many ways his plan with the bomb was just as much a con as Cooper's. This was amazing!

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

I think this is the darkest fic I ever wrote. I hadn't thought about what Sawyer would do with his rage after losing Juliet; I was too busy mourning the loss of the one thing that ever made him truly happy. But they showed us that by the time of his parents funeral he was already planning revenge, and something in those song lyrics you posted (a longing for someone who had been shelter from a violent world) made me think it through. After Sawyer's conversation with Jack in the jungle, where he begged him to stop and Jack refused, it almost seems inevitable that if Jack's plan doesn't work, Sawyer will blame and hate Jack. I'm very worried for my boys!

I'm SO glad you liked it in spite of what it was. Thank you so much! ♥

[aelfsiden.livejournal.com]

This was amazing. I love angst and you nailed it on this one. I can totally see Sawyer reacting like this. Well done. :)

[alliecat8.livejournal.com]

Wow, you read from one extreme to the other, between this one and my crack!smut crazy fic! I love angst, too, and although this one was a HUGE departure for me (I'm a diehard Jack/Sawyer lover), I had to follow where Sawyer's mind would go if he were put in this situation. Jack could become the new Real Mr. Sawyer. That's scary. But thank you for reading, and I'm so glad you enjoyed it!